Are you in the presence of a narcissist?
According to psychologist Kathleen Saxton, there’s an easy way to spot the signs if you’re suspicious.
The criteria for being diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder is a wide spectrum, however, it does range from commonly seen symptoms which ranges from a lack of empathy to being preoccupied success and power.
However, it’s still a misunderstood disorder, with a lot of people either minimising it or overusing the term.
According to Saxton, around 0.5%–1% of people will be formally diagnosed, but the number of people with narcissism is growing.
So, you need to know what to look out for if you want to steer clear of those who enjoy taking the joy from others.
There is one common sign of narcissists. Tara Moore / Getty Images
Imagine you’re at your birthday party, graduation or work promotion event and your partner slowly begins to stonewall your attempts of talking to them, will turn their back to you and will blatantly ignore you for seemingly not reason.
You go home and they decide to sleep in another room or as far away from you as possible and it leaves you feeling confused, alone and worried about what you could have done to provoke such treatment.
The answer: It’s not you, it’s them.
According to psychotherapists and Saxton, the silent treatment is a commonly used tactic by narcissistic people to abuse their victims.
But why is this a narcissist’s go-to punishment?
The silent treatment is an effective way to avoid a person and also inflict pain upon them, emotionally so that they avoid conflict in the future.
It’s a deeply traumatic cycle to be ignored one day for no reason and then everything returns to normal without an explanation.
Or even worse, with gaslighting.
According to research by Prof Kip Williams, the parts of the brain that recognise physical pain are also activated by experiencing the silent treatment.
They ignore you. Catherine Falls Commercial / Getty Images
It also sets off the body’s stress response system, which can have a detrimental effect on your physical and mental health, if exposed to this type of treatment in the long term.
If you feel as though this is happening to you, don’t engage with the person.
Saxon recommends to steer clear from accusation and pointed words like ‘you did blah blah’ as not to spark conflict.
However, she also mentions that everyone deserves to be loved in a way that’s healthy.
So, if your partner has a penchant for gaslighting you and constantly using the silent treatment as an effective method to control you, run for the hills.
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Topics: Sex and Relationships
Picture the scenario, you’ve managed to get some time to talk with your crush and this is your big moment to make a great first impression.
After all, you’ve heard that it takes someone just a few minutes, or perhaps even only a few seconds, to decide whether they like like you or not so you’ve got to make the time count.
If you’re stuck thinking how best to flirt with that person then there’s one technique which psychologists say almost (and we stress the almost) always works and cuts through pretty much any boundaries between a potential couple.
Researchers from Norway and the US teamed up and studied 1,000 people’s responses to 40 different types of flirting to determine which approaches worked and which didn’t.
Different approaches were effective depending on what a person was looking for at the time, with people looking for something casual responding best to signals that a prospective partner was available, i.e. DTF.
This included sending out signals such as moving closer to the person and making eye contact with them, though not in a creepy dead-eyed staring way of course.
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On the other hand, those wanting a long-term partner were more on the lookout for ‘signs of generosity and a ‘willingness to commit’, because if this is going to work you want to know the other person is in it for the long-haul too.
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However, there’s one flirting technique you can use which is top of the tree in pretty much any situation and is pretty much the most successful way to flirt.
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It’s something that may come easier to some people than others – being funny.
A good application of humour can go a long way and it gives the other person a chance to send you signals if they’re interested, as laughing at someone’s jokes is seen as a sign that the flirting is going well.
Of course no technique is guaranteed to succeed and it’s a bit more difficult than saying ‘just be funny’, because good comedy is harder than it looks.
If you struggle to be funny and witty in the moment there’s every chance that your attempts to crack a joke will go down like a lead balloon.
While a good dose of humour might be an incredibly effective way to flirt there are few things less appealing than a string of desperate and unfunny jokes from someone who is not making people laugh.
So there you go, it’s a simple as being funny and as difficult as actually being funny.
Just don’t overdo it, eh?
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Topics: Sex and Relationships
The first few months of dating can be the best moments in a relationship, and they can also show if it’s likely to last or not.
Remember the talking stage where you’ll get giddy when your phone pings and rush to reply as fast as possible?
Or, when you’re going on your first date and you’re rushing around your room trying to put together the perfect outfit to show them you’re ideal relationship material?
But those moments are not just for fun, they’re crucial for how you’ll know whether they’re the one or not.
Well, that is if you follow the advice of one relationship expert.
Forget quizzing each other on what the best movie of the decade was, what type of job they aspire to have or what their favourite colour is.
Instead, you need to be thinking outside of the box.
According to the expert, you should do this one controversial thing. Getty Stock Images
This unconventional tip might raise a few eyebrows, but according to Sami Wunder, it’s essential that you do it to know if they’re the one or not.
What should you do? Date around.
That’s right – forget exclusivity for the first three months with your new beau.
You need to be going on dates with other people too.
The expert suggests either going out with more than one person at a time or waiting at least three months until you become official.
Now, I know it sounds like you’re cheating but if you’re not exclusive, it’s really just a technicality.
Consider yourself casual for 12 weeks and then circle back to decide whether or not you should change your Facebook status to ‘In a relationship’, which, as we know, is the only thing that matters.
Not only does Wunder think you shouldn’t become exclusive, but they also state that you shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you become exclusive either.
So, that’s no sex for three months until you really know if they’re the one or not.
The Huffington Post reported Wunder as saying: “Take at least three months to vet people but don’t sleep with them in this timeline.
They believe it’ll help you to know if they’re the one. Getty Stock Images
“When you have sex, your body produces oxytocin, which is a powerful hormone, and can make it harder for you to spot red flags and see that your values don’t align.”
That…makes sense, says the author reluctantly.
But Wunder isn’t the only one who thinks this way, as relationship expert Dr Krishna Athal agrees, and wrote in The Times of India: “[Dating multiple people] allows you to explore your options and get to know different people with different interests and personalities. This can be a great way to learn more about yourself and what you want in a partner.”
However, this thought process isn’t too far off what a lot of people in the dating game believe these days.
According to YouGov, around one fifth of UK singles think that you should wait at least a month before getting jiggy between the sheets and also to wait around three months before confessing your love to someone.
It’s just a few months of waiting around to find out if they’re the one, so it’s time well spent, if you ask me.
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Topics: Sex and Relationships, Community, News
A psychologist has named three of the biggest warning signs to be on the lookout for if you fear your partner is manipulating you.
There’s always an element of risk involved with relationships, you’re really baring your heart and soul to another person.
In doing so, you’re giving them the chance to deal you some serious emotional damage if they were so inclined, and sadly, some partners end up being horribly manipulative.
But psychologist Dr Lalitaa Suglani explained the three big things to look out for.
She was speaking about the ways that a manipulative partner might try to stop you from leaving the relationship.
Gaslighting is a major component of manipulative relationships. (Getty Stock Photo)
Gaslighting
You’ve surely heard of this term by now, which comes from a 1938 play called Gas Light, in which a husband steals from his wife by tricking her into thinking she’s mentally unwell.
He does this by secretly dimming and brightening the lights in their home, then tells his wife she’s imagining what she saw.
It’s been used all too often in real relationships, as Dr Lalitaa said: “This involves manipulating someone into questioning their own perceptions, their own memories and sanity.
“Abusers may use gaslighting techniques to make their partner doubt their experiences, making them feel confused and uncertain about leaving.”
With a gaslighting partner it can be hard to tell the truth from fiction, as someone you ought to be able to trust most in the world is actively trying to manipulate you.
The psychologist explained that keeping you cut off from other people besides them was a warning sign. (Getty Stock Photo)
Isolation
“Your partner may isolate you from your family and your friends, and other supportive networks,” the psychologist warned, and this is yet another cause for concern.
She explained that a manipulative partner would do this control the access other people had to you, and to keep a handle on what sort of information was going around.
If you don’t know what’s going on outside your relationship then it’s going to be harder to leave it, and if your life is built around just one person then cutting ties with them will be a much bigger step.
Financial control
How this works will come as no surprise to anyone, as the psychologist explained that a manipulative person could be trying to control all of the money in their partner’s life, thus ‘making them dependent for money or resources’.
She explained that this would ‘create barriers to leaving’, as they could use the fear of being unable to support yourself as a way to stop you from leaving.
Dr Lalitaa also noted that this control could extend to children in the relationship, as if you felt financially unable to leave then it’d be even harder to take the children with you.
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Topics: Sex and Relationships, Mental Health
By now, many of us have come to understand what being ‘polyamorous’ is.
The relationship term relates to the act of consensually enjoying multiple partners all at once. However, despite sounding similar, being ‘polyamorous’ is not the same as being ‘tolyamorous’.
What is a ‘tolyamourous’ relationship?
US-based relationship expert Dan Savage is responsible for coming up with the term earlier this year.
The renowned author opened up about ‘tolyamory’ on his podcast Savage Lovecast, a weekly, call-in, sex advice programme.
Back in January, he said that ‘tolyamory’ happens to be a combination of ‘polyamory’ whilst being ‘tolerate’ about it.
The relationship method might not work for everyone. (Getty Stock Image)
Savage claims it’s when ‘someone is willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage’.
He elaborated: “They’re able to focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love.
“And all of those other ways compensate or make the cheating that might be happening tolerable.
“These people aren’t fools or dupes. They’re not to be pitied – they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got.
“They’re willing to put up with it – a certain amount of it – reconciled to it, willing to tolerate it. They are, in a word, tolyamorous.”
How to know if you’re in a ‘tolyamorous’ relationship without having ever spoken about it
Consensual tolyamory isn’t always the case. (Getty Stock Image)
Not speaking about it, but knowing what’s going on, is the whole point of being ‘tolyamorous’.
But Marie Thouin, a relationship researcher, has explained what sort of issues can arise when someone is poly under duress (known as PUD).
This means when one partner is begrudgingly against being poly, but goes along with it.
“PUD folks might be struggling with their partner’s non-monogamous behavior, but they usually have entered this arrangement with informed consent and transparency,” Thouin told HuffPost.
PUD means when one partner is begrudgingly against being poly, but goes along with it anyway. (Getty Stock Image)
“Tolyamorous folks often have entered it retroactively through the discovery of infidelity, or an ultimatum — e.g. ‘I will have sex with others whether you agree to it or not’.
“Additionally, PUD folks are not typically trying to maintain the appearance of monogamy.”
Meanwhile, don’t ask, don’t tell (known as DADT), ‘is more likely to be an egalitarian dynamic where both members of a couple are allowing one another to have sex outside the couple, as long as they keep it away from sight’.
“I suspect that tolyamory shows up more often in one-sided dynamics where one person remains monogamous while the other is sexually active with others,” Thouin adds.
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Topics: Sex and Relationships